STILL IN THE PAST
JOSH
Laura had fallen asleep on the couch, her face soft and
unguarded, and for a moment, I just stood there staring at her. She looked so peaceful, so much like the girl I used to know, the girl I used to love–no, the girl I still loved, though I had no right to.
I bent down, sliding one arm beneath her knees and the other behind her back. Her head lolled slightly against my chest, and my breath caught. The last time I held her like this, she’d been laughing at something I’d said, her arms looped around my neck, and I’d felt like the luckiest bastard alive. Now, she was asleep, bruised, and too damn light in my arms, like the weight of the world had chipped away at her piece by piece.
Her scent, faint and familiar, hit me as I carried her upstairs, and it was almost enough to undo me. I’d been avoiding her scent for months. It was in every corner of her house, every damn memory I couldn’t shake. I didn’t deserve it anymore, didn’t deserve her.
I laid her down carefully on the bed, tucking the covers around her. For a moment, I just stood there, watching her breathe. She looked so small, like the fight had been drained from her, but I knew better. Laura was a fighter. Always had been.
I turned to leave, but her voice, barely audible, stopped me.
“Josh?”
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12:21
STILL IN THE PAST
288 Vouchers
It was soft, hesitant, and for a second, I thought I’d imagined it. But when I turned, her eyes were half–open, looking at me with a vulnerability I hadn’t seen in years.
“Yeah?” I said, stepping closer.
“Can you stay?”
Her words knocked the air out of me. My first instinct was to say no, to protect her from the mess I was, but then I saw the way her lips trembled, the faint edge of fear still lingering in her eyes. How could I say no?
“Of course,” I said, my voice barely above a whisper.
kicked off my shoes and pulled off my shirt and jeans, leaving just my briefs. The thought of being this close to her, this vulnerable, made my chest tighten. But it wasn’t about me. Not tonight.
Sliding into bed beside her, I felt her body stiffen for a moment before she relaxed. I hesitated, unsure if I should touch her, but then she shifted closer, her back pressing against my chest. My arms moved on their own, wrapping around her and pulling her closer.
God, she fit perfectly. Like she belonged there.
For a moment, I just held her, feeling her breathe, feeling the way her warmth seeped into me. I closed my eyes, my face buried in her hair, and let myself pretend. Pretend that I hadn’t fucked everything up. Pretend that she was mine.
But she wasn’t. And it was my fault.
12:21
STILL IN THE PAST
2884/ouchers
I thought about the last time I’d held her like this, how her laugh had felt like sunlight. I thought about the look on her face when I told her the truth, the way her voice had cracked when she said, “Today you broke my heart.”
I’d never hated myself more than did in that moment.
I was the fucking asshole who had everything and ruined it. I was the guy who let his fears and insecurities drive away the only person who ever made him feel whole. And now, here she was, broken and bruised, and it was all I could do to hold her and hope that maybe, just maybe, she’d find it in her heart to forgive me.
She stirred slightly in my arms, and for a second, I thought she was awake. Her hand moved, brushing against mine, and I tightened my hold on her.
Did she feel it too? The way we still fit together, even after everything? Did she still hate me as much as I hated myself?
Laura shifted again, pressing her body closer to mine, and my heart twisted painfully. I could feel her breath against my arm, soft and even, and it was like a balm to the ache in my chest.
But I didn’t deserve this. I didn’t deserve her.
I stared at the ceiling, my mind a mess of emotions. Every instinct in me screamed to, stay, to hold her, to prove to her that I could be better, but I knew it wasn’t that simple. She might never forgive me, and I couldn’t blame her if she didn’t.
Still, for tonight, I could be here. I could hold her. And I could hope.
12:21
STILL IN THE PAST
283 Vouchers
Hope that someday, she’d see that I wasn’t the same guy who broke her heart. That I could be the man she deserved.
As her breathing steadied and her warmth wrapped around me, I pressed a soft kiss to the top of her head.
“I’m so sorry,” I whispered, my voice breaking. “For everything.”
She didn’t hear me, and maybe that was for the best. But as I closed my eyes and let her presence calm the storm inside me, I promised myself one thing:
I wasn’t going to screw this up again..
Not if I had any chance of making her mine again someday.
