FORGIVEN?
JOSH – SENIOR YEAR
I stood outside Laura’s house, my hands buried deep in my jacket pockets as the crisp evening air nipped at my skin. My breath came out in uneven puffs of white mist, but the chill wasn’t what was making my chest tight.
It was her.
Her house loomed in front of me, the porch light casting a warm glow against the dark. I knew she was inside, probably curled up on the couch or doing something mundane, and yet it felt like an impossible task to just walk up and knock.
What would I even say? Hey, Laura. I know I broke your heart and destroyed everything we had, but can we talk? Yeah, that would go over real fucking well.
I paced the small stretch of sidewalk, running my hand through my hair and cursing under my breath. I’d been standing out here for what felt like forever, trying to psych myself up. The weight of what I’d done was like a brick in my chest, making it hard to breathe.
The truth was, I was terrified.
I’d never been this scared in my life–not before a game, not even when I was a kid sneaking out past curfew. This was different. This was her. And if I messed this up, there was no fixing it.
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I stopped in front of the door, inhaling deeply through my nose and holding it for a moment before letting it out slowly. My hand hovered in the air, ready to knock, but my chest tightened again. What if she slammed the door in my face? What if she didn’t even let me explain?
“Come on, Josh,” I muttered to myself. “Man up.”
Before I could convince myself to just get it over with, the door
swung open.
Laura stood there, her expression a mix of exasperation and something softer I couldn’t quite place. Her hair was pulled back in a loose ponytail, and she was wearing one of those oversized sweatshirts that always swallowed her frame. She looked like home.
“You’ve been out here for an hour now,” she said, crossing her arms and leaning against the doorframe.
An hour? Damn.
I scratched the back of my neck and forced a nervous smile. “I didn’t know how to start this conversation,” I admitted, my voice quieter than I’d intended.
Her lips pressed into a thin line, and for a second, I thought she might shut the door in my face. But she stepped aside and gestured for me to come in.
hesitated, but then I stepped inside, the familiar scent of her home–vanilla and something uniquely Laura–hitting me like a punch to the gut. She closed the door behind me and turned to face me, her eyes guarded but curious.
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FORGIVEN?
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“Well?” she prompted, the bruising on her cheek still there. I wanted to reach out and brush over it. Soothe her ache.
I shoved my hands back into my pockets and shifted my weight from one foot to the other. “I… I screwed up,” I started, my voice thick with emotion.
– She raised an eyebrow, her expression unimpressed. “That
much I know, Josh.”
I winced. I deserved that. Hell, I deserved a lot worse.
Taking a shaky breath, I stepped closer to her, but she didn’t back away. That was something, at least. “I was scared,” I said, the words tumbling out in a rush. “I know that doesn’t excuse what I did, but it’s the truth. I’ve never… I’ve never cared about anyone like this before. Not outside my family. And when things started getting serious, I freaked out.‘
Her arms tightened around herself, her nails digging into the fabric of her sweatshirt. Her silence was killing me, but I pressed on.
“I sabotaged it,” I admitted, my voice cracking. “Because I thought… I don’t know what I thought. Maybe that if I ruined it first, it wouldn’t hurt as much if you left. But it was the dumbest thing I’ve ever done. What happened with…” I swallowed hard, my throat dry. “It didn’t mean anything, Laura. It never did.”
Her eyes narrowed, and for the first time, I saw the tears shining there. “It meant something to me,” she said, her voice trembling. “It meant that I wasn’t enough for you.”
My chest felt like it had been caved in. “That’s not true,” I said, taking another step toward her. She didn’t move away, but her
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jaw clenched, her walls firmly in place. “You’re more than enough, Laura. You’re everything
Her eyes searched mine, and for a moment, I thought I might have lost her for good. Then, she let out a shaky breath, and I seized the chance.
I reached out, gently taking her hand in mine. Her skin was warm against my cold fingers, and I held on like it was the only thing keeping me grounded.
“I’ve never been this scared in my life,” I said, my voice barely above a whisper. “Not of losing a game, not of getting hurt on the field–nothing compares to the fear of losing you. And know I’ve already lost you, but I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to fix what I broke. Just… please, Laura. Let me try.”
Her tears spilled over then, and she wiped them away quickly, her movements jerky and frustrated. “Josh. This isn’t… We aren’t… We have time to find the right person and I’m not yours…” she began, but her voice broke.
I stepped closer, close enough that I could feel the heat of her body. My hand tightened around hers, and with my free hand, I brushed a strand of hair from her face.
“I love you,” I said, the words raw and honest. “I’ve always loved you. Since you sat in our kitchen and painted Jess’s art project and spoke about Paris. You thought I wasn’t listening, but ! was…”
Her lip quivered, but she didn’t pull away. Instead, she closed her eyes, and for a moment, it felt like the world held its breath.
When she finally opened them again, there was still pain there,
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but also something else. Something that gave me the tiniest shred of hope.
“I need time,” she said, her voice steady despite the tears.
I nodded, my throat too tight to speak.
Time. I’d give her all the time in the world if it meant I had a chance to earn her forgiveness.
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