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“Today’s Mom’s birthday. I saved up my pocket money for a month and got her a nice scarf. Lucia didn’t get her anything, but she took my scarf and said it was from her. When I told Mom it was actually from me, she didn’t believe me. She said she might as well have raised a dog, because I’m a
disobedient, ungrateful kid. It made me really sad. Mom, do you have any idea how much I love you?”
Mom was bawling her eyes out. She put the notebook back in the cabinet and locked it up. The next day, she just carried on like nothing happened.
In the fourth month after I died, Lucia showed up looking all fancy, and it seemed like she had more cash even though she hadn’t been working.
But she didn’t bring anything for Mom and Dad; she was just there to grab her things.
Mom asked her, “When are you and Antonio coming over for dinner?”
Lucia brushed her hair back and said, “Maybe someday.”
Then she asked Mom for some money because she wanted to go on a trip.
Mom gave her 330 bucks, and she complained it wasn’t enough but took it anyway.
As she was leaving, Mom stopped her and said, “You know, Grace always gave me money without me even asking.”
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Lucia gave an eye–roll. “Why bring up a dead person? That’s very unlucky.”
Then she slammed the door and left.
In the fifth month after I died, the people who were bothering my family at the door were gone, and things were back to how they used to be.
Lucia had a fight with Antonio and moved back home.
She still hadn’t got a job, but she started doing live streams online and selling stuff, taking advantage of her online
presence.
Mom got really busy. She had to wash the dirty clothes of Lucia and Dad, and there was no one to help with cooking or any of the housework–it was all on her.
Even when she was so tired that her back hurt, nobody cared.
She thought of me again and went to my room, looking through my diary.
“Mom has her eye on a bag lately. She can’t stop staring at it when her friend carries it. I checked the price–it’s over 800 ducks. I could get it for her if I work part–time for two months. Come on, Grace, surprise Mom.”
“I finally got the bag Mom wanted today. I wanted to give it to her when I got home, but she wasn’t there. I had classes in the evening, so I had to go back to school and left a note and the bag on Mom’s bed. I thought she’d be thrilled when she saw it. But then I saw the bag on Lucia. I was so mad and told her she shouldn’t have taken Mom’s stuff, but she said I was jealous and lying about her. Mom slapped me and made me
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apologize to Lucia. Why? Lucia was the one who stole the bag.”
“Mom, no matter what I do, will you never love me?”
Mom took a deep breath. She cried again, but after wiping her tears, she continued with life as usual.
In the first year after I died, Lucia moved back in with Antonio, but his parents didn’t like her, and they were always fighting.
Dad started going out early and coming back late, or not at all. Mom looked much older, and she went into my room a lot, but she never picked up my notebook again.
Was she too afraid to read my diary?
I didn’t know.
A year and three months after I died, Dad didn’t come home that night, and Mom had a bad stomachache.
She tried calling Dad, but a woman answered the phone and said he was already asleep.
Mom called Lucia and told her to take her to the hospital, but Lucia said, “I’m too tired. Can’t you handle it yourself?”
So, Mom had to struggle to get to the hospital by herself.
She had acute appendicitis.
And she had the surgery all alone.
Then she remembered the time when I gave Lucia a kidney, nobody was there waiting for me after the surgery.
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She cried again at the hospital, calling out my name, “Grace”
A year and a half after I died, Dad’s side chick, Cindy, came knocking at Mom’s door,
She brought her son Hanson with her and wanted Mom to give up my room for Hanson to move into.
She said it would be a waste for Hanson to spend his salary on
rent.
Mom said no, and Dad beat her up again.
In the end, my room got cleared out anyway, and Mom moved my stuff up to the dark, creepy attic.
She read my diary up there.
“In my first year of work, I started saving half of my paycheck every month for Mom to use for living expenses. I wanted her to treat herself better, but I found out she was secretly giving all the money to Lucia. She told Lucia to eat good food and get nice clothes and shoes, but she never cared about me. I’ve stopped hoping that she will ever love me.”
That night, Mom sat in the attic all night long.
Two years after I died, Lucia moved back home again.
She and Antonio had a big fight, about to break up because she met up with some bigwig from online.
Antonio believed she had got a sugar daddy, but she denied it and accused him of flirting with a coworker.
After she moved back, she was living like a mess–staying up all night and leaving her room littered with empty milkshake
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Mom told her to take care of herself, saying if her kidneys went out again, no one would be around to give her another
one.
Lucia flipped out, threw her milkshake at Mom, and said Mom was wishing her dead.
She threw a tantrum, crying and demanding Dad to punish Mom and get back at her.
So, Mom got beaten up again.
She went up to the attic and flipped through my diary once
more.
“I’m making way more money now, but I haven’t doubled what I give to Mom. I’ve figured out I don’t need to suck up to anyone. I need to start loving myself more. It’s good–I feel like I’m not loving Mom as much anymore. I’m going to keep this up, and one day, I’ll make enough money to cut ties with everyone in this family for good.”
Mom just stared at it, without any reaction.
Two years and three months after I died, Cindy got pregnant.
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