Chapter 23 

One last time… Every time I see him with the woman he loves, he teaches me how to hold a sob. It was easy back then, but ever since I found out I was pregnant, it has been difficult to watch them. I would hold in sobs while I nervously laughed with them. I had to make this choice: to walk away from it all–from him, from this city–so he could be happy. I still love him, but I had to walk away for him to be happy with the one he loved and not have to choose between the woman he loved and his children. As I said, I am an altruist. This is the price I pay for loving the man I shouldn’t have loved. The price I pay for not saying no all the time is because I thought he would notice me. He is still the best thing that has ever happened to me. Yet, this is the price I pay for falling deeply in love with Dante. 

No regrets. 

~Dante~ 

I had so many opportunities to tell Lola how I felt. I wasn’t brave like the 16–year–old me. When I told her I’d be her Prince Charming and she’d be my princess when she reached the age of consent, I meant it. She kept the promise and valued the promise. She never complained when she saw me with my latest flings. She was there for me, hurting and wishing I would one day remember our promise. It’s not like I didn’t remember the promise. I couldn’t tell her how I felt. I just couldn’t. I had a reason to leave work early because I had someone waiting for me. She was there to celebrate every achievement with me. She was my rock. 

If only I had been bold enough, she couldn’t have left. If only I had told her how I felt on her prom night. If only I had come clean on our dinner date. I was so stupid. I would take her on dinner dates, wanting to tell her I loved her, but those three words wouldn’t come out. I wasted time, and the ifs don’t matter now because I lost her. I lost my smile keeper. I watched the girl I loved grow up, knowing she was mine. I watched her grow into the woman she is now, but still, I couldn’t tell her; I kept hurting her. On our last night together, I should have known she was reminding me of the promise I broke. Why did she have to remind me of that promise we made all those years ago and then abandon me without giving me the opportunity to explain that I had been in love with her since she was 

16? 

Why would she wait for me? Who am I kidding? I took her innocence and told her we couldn’t be. I lied to her that day. I was afraid if I told her I loved her, I would lose her. I was scared that she would start talking about Candice. I wanted to keep her around, even if I couldn’t have her. It was a very difficult thing to do because Lola was a temptation. She was a drug, and I let her down. How can I fix this when I wasn’t given a chance to fix it? 

So how do I explain to her that it has always been her and her alone? What have I done? I have been busy planning to marry another woman, forgetting the promises I made. Trust has been broken. Promises I never kept are broken. It was never her fault. It was all me. I only have myself to blame for everything. I knew I would never love anyone else the way I loved Lola, but what have I done? My mother even made me marry her, but still, I couldn’t come clean. The day she handed me the divorce papers, I had a chance to not sign them and tell her I wanted us to work. But like a fool, I signed. Will I ever have a chance to mend this? 

Where do I even start looking for the love of my life? She was there for me, waiting for me to man up, but I failed terribly. Sex with Lola felt right. Sex with Candice has never felt right, not even a single day. It has always felt like I was cheating on someone. The signs were there, but I failed to see them. I would fight with Candice, and she would even advise me to go back to Candice. She wanted me to be happy, but what I had with Candice was never love. It was lust. Fucking is what we did with no connection. She was there to give herself to me. But sex with Lola was filled with a lot of emotions. She made me feel things I had never felt with any woman. 

Retraval 

16.5% 

Chapter 23 

Making love to Lola had a meaning. Since our wedding day, I have always wanted to have her every day, but I told her we couldn’t be together. I gave her a reason to leave. Maybe I could have left a message in one of her favorite flowers each time I sent them to her. I literally sent her white roses every day, I could have maybe left a message there. But how do you tell a girl you watched grow how you feel about her?