Chapter 139
Looking at my mother, there’s an ache in my chest as I look at my mother, sitting there so defeated. Her fingers wrapped around my hand are warm yet the look in her eyes is as cold as the dead.
“I’m sorry,” she whispers again, but now it feels hollow, like the part my sister took of me when she passed, that piece suddenly feels colder with the realization. Yet looking at my mother I see Brielle took every piece of her, I lost a sister, my mother lost so much more. She lost her daughter, her mother and father, but the most destructive loss was her sense of
self.
It’s with wide open eyes I truly see the damage of her loss, that my childlike mind back then couldn’t. Why and how my mother became robotic after her death. My father became sterner, colder, almost like he was too scared to love me in case he lost me also. I can’t imagine living with that kind of grief or fear but I now understand it.
None of it matters now, the only thing I guess I can be grateful for is that Brielle never met this version of my parents, this hollowed out broken version they became. She died with cherished memories, she died loved, missed. Yet at
the same time I wonder if she were still here if I would have
had the same.
Grief does that, changes people. Some sit in that grief stagnant, never changing, while some have a new look on life and appreciate every moment, and then others die with them, they decay while still alive. Grief cannot be prepared for; it
Chapter 139
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hits you with full force, penetrating every aspect of your being and echoing through every fiber. But still that agony doesn’t change the fact that Brielle is gone, or that Grandpa killed her, tha grandma never mentioned this or that Mom lied about all of it.
Standing up, I leave her alone in the bedroom, the silence heavier now than before filled with unanswered questions. and hidden truths that have been dragged into the light.
–
As I move towards the guest room, I feel a terrible emptiness settling within me as if something essential has been ripped. away from my soul. Everything feels surreal and I wonder if I’ll ever be able to look at family photos again without thinking about this night and my mother’s confession. How Grandma never said a word for all that time I was with her. Was
suggesting I pretend to be her just a way for her to reconcile what her mate and husband had done, is that why she helped me? I feel betrayed by everyone, but this news has just rocked my entire world once again leaving me to scramble to pick up. the remnants of what I know.
imagi
The image of Brielle’s radiant smile is the last thing I see before I close my eyes that night. And there is no comfort in that memory for the first time in years. Only a sharp pain that digs deep into my heart. Suddenly I am no longer remembering her life because now all I can see is her death, I can only see what I wish to forget. And now see what I did. forget, I always thought it odd about Grandpa being there so suddenly, not hearing his return, but I heard her cries, her pleas for our mother before I heard her silence and grandma’s wail of despair, before hearing my mother’s grief so loudly it was the only thing I heard for years. Another thing I will never forget, is the look on my parents‘ faces, the pure devastation, the utter torment as they tried to comprehend what was
Chapter 139
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going on. We were at the hospital when they arrived, my grandfather had to be sedated and now I know why. My legs. were swinging back and forth while I waited for her to be put back together, I was in denial. I remember my sister’s last gasp of life, but my mind refused to believe she wouldn’t be saved. Mom could fix anything, but the sound that left my mother when the doctor spoke to her, sounded just as broken as Brielle, it fractured the air in a sound so tormenting I never wish to hear it again. A sound so broken it left no doubt at what became of my sister. That sound wasn’t just grief, it was my mother’s soul dying alongside her.
I spend the night reliving the past with a new perspective: every laughter and every hug from Grandpa that used to feel warm now feels like a cruel joke. Every word grandma spoke now leaves me questioning. Not only did I lose my sister, but I lost every good memory of my grandfather because it is now tainted by her end.
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