I lower her relaxed body onto the bed of the apartment we shared. She fell asleep as soon as her tremors stopped, and I was glad she was finally getting some rest.
Her head falls softly on the pillow and her eyes open. She looks around, taking in her surroundings and looks at me, something sharp in her eyes.
“We didn’t. You didn’t. We didn’t have sex, did we?” She asks with a tremble.
“No, we didn’t have sex.” I reply gently. “You fell asleep after dry humping me.” I chuckle softly as an embarrassed blush hits her cheeks. She sighs with obvious relief.
My pride bristles. Why should she be relieved to have NOT been with me? Doesn’t she want me as badly as I want her?
No, of course she doesn’t. Not after everything that’s happened in the last few weeks. Of course she wouldn’t want to have
sex with me
Of course she’d reject me.
She doesn’t love me. She’s never loved me.
Unless
I think back to how she was crying after I proposed to Lilia. Maybe she was more invested than I thought
I can’t keep going back and forth in my mind like this. I need to ask her directly. Once and for all
I clear my throat and adjust my position, sitting at the edge of the bed next to her. “Cara..” I start, unsure how to phrase the question. “Do you… have feelings for me? Do you love me?”
I’m honestly not sure what answer I want to hear, but she gives me nothing.
She stares blankly down at her hands, not responding to the question. Maybe she doesn’t know how she feels either.
Part of me wants her to say yes, for her to be completely, completely in love with me. Part of me thinks everything would be so much easier if she didn’t love me, if she was just out to satisfy her own sexual needs.
2/4
I’ve been giving her a hard–time about needing money, maybe she’s just embarrassed that she just needs the sex, too.
There’s a faint, dull ache in my chest, but I
1 drop the subject and leave her to rest.
live to get over it This is just sex.
