Chapter Fifteen
Once I left the warmth of the club, the cold air hit me. It was a stark contrast, but it felt right. I needed this hit of realisation. He was never going to choose me over her. And when he did have a choice, he had chosen her. So there’s that.
I walk agonisingly slow down the main street, turning down the hill I had walked up earlier and past Isabella’s car, where she had parked it. Once the roads were clear of any sapient life, I switched to my wolf speed. Werewolves aren’t as fast as vampires on two legs, but we are fast enough to be a blip in human senses. I took advantage of the quietness to walk with my enhanced speed.
It took almost an hour to reach Silver Woods, the forest encompassing Silver Forest. When I passed the first tree, I quickly stripped the plastic bag out of my pocket. My shoes wouldn’t fit in the bag I was given, so I tied the laces together and tossed them onto a branch of a tree overhead.
Maybe I’ll get them back, or perhaps another wolf will use them when they shift into their skin. No matter, they’ll find their use again soon. I change into my wolf and let her take over. I retreat in the back of my head as Pandora howls sorrowfully at the sky before taking off into the dense forest.
We agree we don’t want to return to the pack house, at least not tonight. It takes only a moment of hesitation before we venture into Silva Luporum’s border and continue into the trees beyond.
We’re not in the mood to hunt, so we run, making our own tracks into the bush, which smells untouched by others for weeks. We find an old tree in the forest, with large roots rising from the trunk like a V. Pandora sniffs the ground before curling into a ball within the apex of the roots, burying our head into our tail.
I don’t think I sleep at all. My mind was too awake to shut down. I’m not choosing. Dharia’s just a friend. Don’t ask me to choose between you and her. These words don’t leave my head. And then there are the words. Expect more of that from Alaric after he holds me and kisses my forehead. Expect more of that. A tear rolls down Pan’s face. Well, he didn’t come through with that promise. I feel like a second choice. Which is funny because I’m his second chance mate. The goddess’s second choice for him. Back-up. Spare. Just in case. But I’m not needed. He’s mine. I’ve worked hard to get him. Her words. Her voice. It doesn’t matter that I’m his mate. His choice is her.
The birds in the trees around me wake to dawn with their comforting twitters. I loved hearing the birds when I lived in the bush. I learnt a lot about birds from living amongst them. It’s almost as if they’re saying, ‘It’s morning, I’m alive!’ At least, that’s what I’ve always thought they say to each other. They’ve survived the night to fight another day. And I feel in sync with them in that respect. It’s morning, and I’m alive and ready to fight another day.
I still don’t want to go to the pack house. I know my bed is there, and a shower, but the thought of going back makes Pandora and I feel weary. Instead, we shift, and I change back into my clothes, placing the plastic bag back into my jeans pocket. I climb the tree and sit there, watching the world go by.
Last night, I could hear the patrol in the distance. They would have smelt me but guessed I was running home from a night out in the town. It’s protocol to report back in at the end of each shift, but I know I wouldn’t raise any alarm bells immediately. It’s not like I have a mate who would notice me missing.
At lunchtime, I drop down from my branch and widen my scent scope for any wild animals nearby. I grin when I smell the tell-tale aroma of a rabbit burrow. I’m not in for a game of chase, although that’s fun, and I can’t be bothered waiting around with a trap, so instead, I climb my tree and jump branch to branch as I approach the burrow.
I see a female rabbit come out, sniff the air, and then duck back down again. It’s not her that I want, though, but the buck. I used my wolf vision and saw the trail of scents coming in and out of the burrow. Tracking the Bucks scent trail is easy, as it is fresh and not too far away.
Slowly, I descend the tree and step out onto the forest floor. I step slowly towards the rabbit, who is munching quietly on a wild shrub. The perk of being a good tracker is that I can mask my scent, which I usually do. When the buck looks up to sniff the air, he notices nothing, and that’s when I pounce.
The rabbit wriggles in my hands but quickly flops over dead after I’ve shifted my finger into a claw and cut his neck. It’s not the best cut, but it does the job. This rabbit is a good size, too, about two kilograms of meat and forty centimetres long. It will tie me over well for lunch.
I return to my tree and hold the dead rabbit by my teeth as I climb to put it on a branch. Once down on the ground, I go on the hunt for firewood. The good thing about my time living in the woods is that I know the best woods to light a fire with. And because of my nose, I can smell them out, too.
It doesn’t take long to get my fire going, and once it’s steady, I begin skinning my rabbit. My dad showed me how on one of our camping trips when I was little. I remember feeling disgusted when I saw him use his claw to tear the skin from the neck and use his fingers to peel it off the rabbit’s back. When I did it for the first time, I used a knife. And I did pull a face the first time I skinned my first rabbit with my shifted claw. It was sticky and bloody, and the sound of the skin peeling off is not one that sits quite right with you.
But the more I did it, the more practice I got, the quicker and easier it became. And so it was only minutes later that I had a stick shoved through the centre of my rabbit, and I was grilling it over a hot fire.
The other thing that used to disgust me about using my claws to dig into animal flesh when skinning was the foreign blood that got stuck under my nails. I always chose my dens near a river or creek to wash off, but sometimes I didn’t have that choice, like today. So when I ate meat, I usually ate it in my fur because it was easier to clean. Unless I wanted a hot meal, which was when I tried my best to suck the blood off my fingers.
When the temperature dropped, and I wanted more and more hot meals, was when I ventured into town. This was why I ended up in Sierra all those moons ago.
After I felt somewhat more human and fresher, I kicked my fire dry and made sure the embers had died out, and then I sat against the tree, staring into the world.
I have to move; I know I have to. I can’t wallow here and be miserable, even though I am. I’m an Athentree, a fighter. But I don’t know if I feel like fighting anymore. I don’t know if I want to stay in this pack anymore. Or what I’m going to do about Alaric. I don’t want to give up on him, I don’t. I just don’t feel the bond with him I felt with Conner. With Conner, I was giddy and on edge about the possibility of having a mate. With Alaric, I’m wary. I don’t want to get hurt again. But I am getting hurt. What did that book say? Time and distance will ease the bond of a rejected wolf. What about a wolf who hasn’t been rejected or been accepted either? I guess the same thing applies. Because I don’t feel accepted by Alaric. But I’m not going to reject him. Maybe I should. Perhaps I should reject him and try to live my life.
Funny. I always wanted to have pups and have a family of my own. I thought if I met a human to settle down with, I would have that. But if I reject Alaric, I won’t. I don’t know what I’ll do.
I find myself walking through the forest towards the pack house. I don’t know when I started walking; I just got up, and my feet began moving.
I feel like I’m doing the walk of shame, only it’s afternoon, from the clock on the wall, and I look like I’ve only gone out for a run. No one noticed that I didn’t come back here. See? At least I have people out there who love me… my mind flits to Jia and the letter I sent her last week. I wonder if I’ve got a reply yet. I always look forward to her letters.
I take the steps to the third floor two at a time and walk down the hall towards my room. My room looks the same as I left it, which makes me content. Heading for the bathroom, I look at myself in the mirror. I look tired, but not too bad—not like when I first arrived. Still, my hair is a mess and needs detangling. I want to shower, clean my body, and then curl under my blankets.
I sit on the floor in the shower, enjoying the heat wash over my body as I lose myself again in thought. I don’t want to get up; I want to sleep here. My hair feels brittle, and I have to condition it, which means I have to stand up, but I’m too lazy to. Instead, I make it into a kneel and reach for my conditioner before plonking myself back on the floor.
Holding my head out of the water, I close my eyes and rub the conditioner into the ends of my hair. I keep my head out of the stream in hopes of ‘setting’ the conditioner in—at least, that’s what I think you’re supposed to do.
When my fingers look like prunes and my hair has turned silky under the water, I eventually haul my arse out of the shower and wrap a towel around my body. I should brush my hair, place a clean towel on my pillow and put clothes on, but I don’t. Instead, I crawl under the covers of my bed and try to regain the warmth I’d had from the hot shower.
I must have fallen asleep sometime during the night. I’d wake up occasionally with Alaric’s last words circling in my head. I’m not going to choose.
Have you ever woken up in the morning and felt less rested than before you went to bed? Because I feel like hell. I know I slept, not much, but I know I did. I’ve watched my room change colours as night turned into day, but I don’t want to leave my bed. I don’t feel like doing much of anything.
Eventually, I turned the television on to check the time, and when I read ten-forty-nine, I knew I had to get up. There’s no point in lying in bed and wasting the day away. I’m not hungry and still feel tired, but I’ve got to get up. Just one foot on the floor followed by the other. It’s so hard. I just want to sit in the corner of the room and let the shadows blanket me till I disappear.
It’s without feeling that I find myself pulling one yoga pants up a leg and then the other. I’m going to see Chloe, like I promised. At least it’ll keep my mind off things.
I don’t see anyone as I walk through the pack house. I know they’re there, though, as I can smell them, but my thoughts are blinding my sight.
When I reach the treeline, I strip and place my clothes in a plastic bag before shifting. Pandora points our nose into the air and sniffs, searching for Chloe. She picks the bag in her teeth and sets off to see our friend.
Pandora skirts along the edge of the treeline until she stops and lets me shift back into my skin. I’m close to Chole’s home and follow my nose until I find myself around familiar houses.
I know Chloe said we should meet up, so I hope it’s okay that I’ve turned up unexpectedly at her door. After I rang the doorbell, it didn’t take long for the door to open, and I was met with a very happy she-wolf.
“Evie!” Chloe says, opening her arms for a hug. I smiled… the first genuine one since Friday night, and fell into her embrace.
“Hmm, you give good hugs,” Chole hums.
“I hope you don’t mind I’ve come over,” I admit.
“Goddess, no. Logie’s out buying more petrol for the mower, so I’m alone and bored. Oh, and he’s getting me ice cream,” Chole says, opening the door wider for me to come in.
“Thanks,” I say, walking inside.
“Do you want tea?” Chole asks as we head for the kitchen.
“I’d love some, but I’ll make it,” I say, turning her around and making her sit at the kitchen table.
“This is my house!” Chloe protests.
“And you’re pregnant,” I smirk.
“Pregnant, not an…”
“Invalid. I know. Please, let me do this for you,” I tell her.
“But you don’t know where anything is!” Chloe says, attempting to get up.
“I’m a tracker, remember. I’ve got a nose,” I remind her. Chole shakes her head, and I smirk again. I find the cups, take two mugs out, and then prepare the tea while boiling the jug.
“Wow. You are that good,” she comments.
“I’m sure all trackers are just as good,” I tell her, pouring the hot water into each mug.
“That’s not what Logan says.”
“I think he’s been keeping that from you,” I tell her, placing a cup of tea in front of her.
“I think you’re right,” Chloe agrees.
I join Chloe at the table, and we begin to drink.
“Can I brush your hair?” Chloe randomly asks.
“Huh?”
“Sorry. I never had sisters. That’s why I became a hairdresser. And you’ve got some twigs in your hair. Oh! I just realised! I hope asking isn’t offensive!” Chloe gasps. I chuckle while secretly scolding Pandora in my head.
“Hey, I’m a wolf. Get over it,” Pandora smiles before curling into a ball to sleep.
“My wolf always makes my hair messy after a run,” I complain.
“That’s the thing about being a she-wolf and having long hair, unfortunately. However, most of us prefer our hair long, so we have to deal with rubbish in our hair,” Chloe shrugs.
“Really? After I was cor- came here and shifted, the amount of crap in my hair… it looked like I’d rolled in the dirt and then some just to make sure. My hair colour was brown,” I admit.
“I can’t imagine that. You have such beautiful blonde hair,” Chloe says.
“Thanks,” I blush.
“I get it off my mum,” I add.
Chloe has me sitting on a chair next to a table full of hair products and sprays by the time Logan comes home.
“Oh, goddess. Is this what girls do when they get together?” Logan asks, rolling his eyes.
“Shut up. The last friend that let me do this was Teresa,” Chloe scoffs.
“Should I be worried?” I ask Logan.
“Yes, very worried,” Logan replies.
“Shut up!” Chloe says, throwing a comb at him.
“He’s being a jerk,” Chloe tells me.
“Be nice, or I won’t let you have any ice cream,” Logan tells her.
“And then I won’t have sex with you again,” Chloe remarks.
“Okay, okay. Do you want me to get you some ice cream now? How many scoops?”
“Five!” Chloe laughs.
“You like orange chocolate chip ice cream?” she asks me.
“Orange chocolate chip ice cream? I don’t think I’ve had that before,” I admit. Something citrus and chocolatey—my two favourite foods—yum.
“Here you go, ladies. Or should I say, lady and coworker?” Logan says, handing us both a bowl of ice cream. I snort at his comment, and Chloe attempts to hit him from her spot on the chair. He laughs and then leaves us.
“I’d like to put some keratin in it; your hair really is lovely. It’s all done; now eat,” Chloe orders after a few minutes.
Keratin treatment. Wow. That’s a thought I haven’t had for a very long time. I no longer need to make sure my hair looks its glossy best. I take a small bite and moan as the delicious taste of orange hits my taste buds. The chocolate chips crunch in my mouth, and I believe this is the best thing I’ve eaten in a long time.
“That good, huh?” Chloe chuckles.
“Oh goddess, yes. I’ve never had this before. What brand is it?”
“Tip Top. They have lots of different flavours, but this one is the best,” Chloe replies.
“Tip Top. I’ve never had them before. They don’t sell this flavour in the north,” I admit. And what a waste it is. Chloe smiles, and we sit there, quietly eating our ice cream. I do have to find a way to have a freezer in my room so I can eat more of this.
“Are you looking forward to your baby arriving?” I ask Chloe as we eat. Chloe sighs.
“Yes and no. I’m looking forward to losing all this weight when I breastfeed, but I’m not looking forward to the sleepless nights. My clients with babies all looked run ragged when they came in with their children,” she admits. I nod, not that I know what that would be like—or that I’ll ever know that.
“You want kids?” Chloe then asks. I stop mid-bite.
“I’ve never been asked that before. Although Jia always wanted me to settle down.”
“Jia?”
“The human woman who saved me. A few years after living in Sierra, the town I resided in, a wolf pack moved in. She, Jia, always tried to set me up with one of them,” I say, smiling at the memory. It was always Alpha Riley she tried to set me up with.
“She sounds like a good person.”
“She is. She took me in when I didn’t know I needed it, and I became her honorary white daughter. I love her,” I smile. Maybe I should go back there if this doesn’t work out.
“What about here? Is there anyone you’ve noticed that sends sparks in your direction?” Chloe asks. I look at her, noticing her smile in her eyes. She’s asking out of affection, not to be mean. I hang my head in shame.
“When I met my mate, you know, it was like everything stopped. It was like there were just us in the room. All these scenarios ran through my head about settling down with him, raising a family together… all my future plans that were already set were put to one side because I could only see a future with him…” I stopped and wiped the tears on my face with the back of my hand.
“Shit, I’m sorry Eve…” Chloe begins, but I stop her with a shake of my head.
“It’s okay. It’s not like you rejected me,” I say. Silence hangs in the room. I remember Conner’s smug face as he looked at me from across the room, looking at me with some she-wolf I can’t picture in his arms. His whole expression saying, see? I don’t need you, when can I have this?
“What really gets me, though, is why? Why did she do this to me? Why set me up with someone who never wanted me?”
“Mother Selene?” Chloe asks softly. I nod. She squeezes my hand, and I smile reassuringly back at her. I hadn’t noticed her holding my hand until then.
“You know fate has something to do with it, too. Mother Selene matches us with the best choice. Fate is the one who brings us together.”
“Fate? Fuck fate. My life changed as soon as I met him. My plans all changed because of fate and my stupid mate.”
I let the tears out, tears that I’d been holding on to for so long and that had only begun to surface since I arrived in this pack. Chloe’s scent of honey and bees filled my nose as she held me tight, squeezing me in her embrace.
I feel so embarrassed. I’ve known Chloe for only a few days, and I’m sitting here bawling my eyes out in front of her. I smell Logan’s scent come into the room and then leave as I cry. For years I’ve bitched to myself about the Moon Goddess and how cruel she was to set me up with a playboy who didn’t want me.
“I- I don’t want a mate,” I admit as my body calms in Chloe’s firm embrace.
“I’m sorry I brought it up,” Chloe admits. I shake my head at that.
“It’s not your fault. I’m sorry I wet your shirt crying about it,” I say, making her chuckle.
“You know he didn’t want to be my mate because he said I was weak?”
“Shit? Really?” Chloe asks. I nod.
“You’re our top tracker, and from what Logan says, you have some mad fighting skills. The Commanding Delta has been asked if you would teach a class.”
I snort at that. That would mean I’d have to work with Alaric, and I’m not sure if I’d or he’d want that.
“He also said he wanted to have fun before he settled down,” I admit. Before Chloe can say anything, I continue.
“I felt him cheat on me the same night he rejected me. I was so sick. I had no idea what was going on. The next day, I was so sore and had so many bruises on my body.”
“Shit,” I hear Chloe murmur.
“He was relentless, you know? He even had sex with my best friend. My best friend. She didn’t know who he was to me, so I don’t blame her. But him, I’ll never respect him again,” I say softly.
I’d heard another growl when I talked about Hadley. The room, now, was quiet.
“How long did it take till it stopped?” I shrugged.
“I felt him having sex for months after the rejection. But once I left my home pack, it didn’t hurt as much. And I’d stopped vomiting blood,”
“Did you say you were vomiting blood?” Chloe asks, shocked. I nod.
“I think I was dying. Leaving my pack behind saved me,” I comment.
“And then you’d never have met me!” Chloe cries out, making me laugh.
“And, my baby would never have met his aunty!” she adds. I smile at that. I’ve never had a sibling, and I don’t think having children of my own will ever happen. But an Aunty? Yeah. I could do that.
